If only I would learn to think before I Speak..

I was invited and I took the offer, having inhaled toxic fumes on Wednesday plus getting a little drunk the fucking sunglasses was forgotten about there was no intent from a simple mistake.. Though others would have it there was. Friday the cold was creeping upon myself, it was new years eve I had plans. Instead I spent the night in pain with little or no sleep:

New Years Day I somehow managed to get to the local shop, thank fuck it was open. Back home I made some lemon and ginger, added a double whiskey and this has been much my Saturday, with a good dose of feeling sorry for myself and paranoia.

I managed to sleep and sweat it out, if this had been 39 Elmore Road there would have been just one room and going crazy in such a place is not good.. I hope to sleep tonight (Saturday) all of this brings forward some deep paranoia, thank fuck the door is locked..

Another Bad Night.

It was (Saturday/Sunday) the cold seems to be slowing down. From the 17th November there has not been a full nights sleep, I was dealing with that fact. This cold has taken myself back, I was living in a flat on Harcourt Road. I was told morning glory seeds could get you high, having eaten a vast amount the next week was rough. Being sick and little or no sleep. Seems they cover them to stop you eating them and it makes you very sick.

Today, Sunday I have spent in bed drifting in an out of sleep, the cough is back and I feel it could be to do with having inhaled toxic fumes on Wednesday I have become very unwell.

 

I think it’s just been another bad night
I think it’s just been another bad night
I think it’s just been another bad night
I think it’s just been another bad night

I’m not an actor
I cannot hide away
Whatever I want to say
I let it out
Maybe I’m wrong
The games you play
Go on too long

I think it’s just been another bad night
I think it’s just been another bad night

I put my foot in it
I said the wrong thing
I opened my mouth
I let the rubbish flow out

I wish that sometimes
I wouldn’t talk so blind
And I always guess
The hard rules of life

(Public Image Ltd)

 

Cold Turkey.

I was never sure why I began Glue Sniffing (though I did enjoy it) but by the age of 17 I was doing my first Cold Turkey and at the age of 18 I was on smack, it only become a problem when I busted me back and was laid off my first and only job of employment. What I find quite shocking is I have fucked my body over in the last few years.. shit food, too much drinking and though I have felt unwell, nothing like this cold. I have no doubt been doing Cold Turkey and once more I slept much of Sunday and thought that I’d have another bad night. I slept through to 5am and I needed to go out get some food.

I set off at 9am it took me to 10.30 to get where I needed to be, once back home feeling happy I had dealt with the paranoia and feeling rough. I once more fell into sleep for Monday afternoon, food has been a issue and Tuesday I woke feeling very weak, I made myself a little to eat and have just spent the day drinking and drinking and drinking watter.

Having done this Cold Turkey, like fuck will I return to the former self abuse, it has been a rough path over the last few days, in fact last few years and I need to take the opportunity this cold has given. Though I ponder what made me get involved with such dark satanic matters last Wednesday, I seem to have this urge to self destruct and must learn to stop seeking or taking the opportunity.

I have learned to slow back down over the last week, even more. If anyone gets this cold, do not see it as a negative, enjoy the pain it might seem crass to say that but fuck I know when I do stop feeling rough, and of course a little sorry for myself, I will have come out of it a better person.

Pneumonia

Tuesday was fine for much of the day, I began to freak around 5pm, a friend was due. They spent till 9 o’Clock telling me to goto A&E, by 10 I was there. I have not been well for some years, so when at 1am I was told I had pneumonia.. Good news as we now know, I got back home and just broke down in tears. I had little or no sleep. My head is going a little bang. I now need to get a care plan into action.

If I had kept to my plan, I would have no doubt been dead, sounds crass but I owe a back thanks for being forced to goto hospital, and like wise for the very wonderful service care and love, now I have to find a GP to take me on. I’ll keep you updated, christ sometimes the NHS is just far too wonderful.

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The future was so bright..

It has been a year of the spectacular and the marvelous, a time where you are taken back. Skies without planes, streets with people in the middle of the road. Mother Earth has given some quite awesome moments, watching a sun set over Sheffield from the roof of Stanley Tools.

It began with Woollen Signs, then the demolition of William Brothers, in between G.Barnsley and sons. Of course not a murmur of thanks from the Urban Exploration (community) but you move on. A landlord just being an utter scumbag, the Police along with everyone else sat in grand judgment.

History and reputation is an hard one to rid yourself from, it is a ghost of crass mistakes that haunts myself. I should learn to think before I speak, and perhaps not speak. Now thats a thought.

So, onwards, I have the opportunity here to just hide and fall from being an omnipresent eccentric to being just a local one. On my doorstep is all I need other than forgiveness from some people. But one is certain if I can find the self will to move on from being a dysfunctional attention seeker then matters might improve.

I had no utopian dream, it was not going to be a long road I was walking, from 39 Elmore Road, how much I deluded myself it was not the location, it was nothing more than a slum. It has served its purpose, made me move on from where I was when the G8 Circus came to town. I, like everyone else, like the spectacle of the fools and it will be an hard one to resist the temptation of the Liberal Democrat Circus when it comes to Sheffield in March. Likewise I must think when these words are put before you are invited sometimes an invitation has hidden consequence.

Much the same as 39 Elmore Road, but I had driven myself down that fucking Cul De Sac, you can not judge others for their fear. As an anarchist I need to learn that forgiveness plays a part. 2010 was a year of the spectacular and the marvelous, a time where you are taken back and I shall not forget those halcyon bucolic days without planes, the joy of seeing figures walking in the middle of the road like a Lowrie painting and the moments in between.

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The so called revolution is just a utopian dream.

I would have been 20 in 1985.. Four Years before I had been kicked out of care into a flat at 77 Oxford Street. I had no skills, I could not cook or manage the basics in life and was addicted to glue and cider. Little wonder then by 1982 I was on a section at Middlewood Hospital, flat number two would have been Ironside Road it was here I watched Live Aid.

There has not been a Television in my life for fours years, the whole of the time at Ellmore Road: There was 2 in this house. To be frank I might get rid, as I find myself looking at the TV pages and sinking into the bullshit.

I need to kick all addictions, and the insidious self needs to be kicked, It was good to sit there and remind myself of 1985 and all that, 25 years on it got myself thinking what has changed? We have 13 years of New Labour, hardly a fucking murmur from the left just a faint act of resistance

When the middle class feel their social status is under attack we see Millbank. Lets remind ourselves those giving to Live Aid and attending were, in majority, the middle class.. it is called easing empire guilt. Need we remind people of South Africa the fact Queen played Sun City (today we have apartheid in Palestine). Of course we all shed a tear at the film shown, during Live Aid, the one using emotive music (Drive by The Cars)..

It was nothing but propaganda, the only real change is a revolution, unlike 1985 I view the prospect of an uprising and social change as very distant (a utopian dream). In the midst of the current protest it has only been asked a couple of times. So we desire to rid ourselves of the Con-Dem coalition. Fair point, you could not disagree with, but lets not forgive or forget the 13 years of New Labour, hardly a fucking murmur from the left/anarchists just a faint act of resistance, they’re as insidious as capitalism itself.

In that regard, I have changed none more so than in the last four years. I do not see the same change in the Left/Anarchist community. If we desire real change then we need to make the insidious middle class history, Live Aid changed nothing for the working class of the world. If you watched When Harvey met Bob, and the documentary following it, you will have see how fucking insidious the middle class are, Bob Geldolf is just a true representation of the problem we face as the working class.

From apartheid in Palestine (in occupation from 1945) to the blatant class war from this Con-Dem government, to the ongoing suffering in Haiti, neither can we forget 6 years on from the Circus of the G8 in Sheffield. In March 2011 Sheffield will face much the same when the Liberal Democrats hold their conference in this city.

No doubt there will the left/anarchist dysfunctional attention seekers on the streets, one thing I have learned over the last 25 years, and in the last four years.. the so called revolution is just a utopian dream.

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Not quite the plan..

I wanted to do some urban exploration, had a few thoughts in mind. However, the insidious police presence put play to that plan. It could be paranoia but each time I got near a building a police car drove past. Then there was the black four by four that just seemed to be everywhere I was walking, and I was in no mood for the other trespass.

So I had a walk along part of The Supertram route from Hyde Park into Sheffield, took some images, then a walk back home, up Blake Street. Fuck, the Blake was open. Just three pints my mind was saying, it was busy full of the Walkley bohemians, I stood looking over Sheffield.

It was not any intention to get so drunk, hello you’re Mozaz with that insidious look, who the fuck he was I might never know. I just drank up and left, checking he was not following. I got back home and to bed, I woke at three still drunk, but was back to sleep by four and I feel a little rough, but the thought not quite the plan keeps coming back, as I feel sorry for myself.

I so wanted to creep about some derelict space, but it was a good day and who knows the insidious police presence might have done myself a favour and I did think I was busted as I left The Supertram route, and just why is there always cars in Paradise Sq, and someone who was so fucking obvious in their dislike towards myself? It did not ruin my day just makes me think I need to stop being so fucking insidious myself..

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You’re a RACIST.

It is Friday 24 12 2010 I go back to thinking about the last year, at this time 3.30pm I had, along with a friend, crept round The Old Sheffield Post Office.

It was Friday 25/12/2009, had a quite a cool day and was uploading images. I was living in the slum of 39 Elmore Road, by 8pm I was in bed drunk and asleep – the only way to deal with living there.

Today I have not felt the need to escape, I have been thinking back on 2010 it has had some quite fucked up times, from getting drunk with Don Letts, then in the same location at a  gig with Steve Mason.

In the year’s drunken moments I have acted like the twits around myself, (not big or clever) listened to the bullshit of how it was all their efforts, it has been a year of conflict and disagreement.

RACIST fools coming up to myself issuing comments in the denial of the fact they’re fucking racist.

A year of paranoia due to my own bullshit/actions and reading back on this blog. I keep waiting for the knock at the back door telling me to go back to Elmore Road, meantime 25/12/2010 looms….

 

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Been out at 7am:

https://i1.wp.com/farm6.static.flickr.com/5161/5285174071_348f94ebc0_z.jpg

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Simon & Garfunkel:

Some years back, when the bus run on Christmas Day in Sheffield, I found myself living at High Green.  I had a Sony Walkman and the bus ride was passed living to the greatest hits of  Simon & Garfunkel (very punk) I had a copy of Dead Kennedys and some Conflict.

This year a friend gave me a tenner for Christmass, I got some spare cash and went to Record Collecter knowing the box set was going for 12 pounds. It has been on the player from Tuesday.

Their music seems to fit this time of year and this frozen weather, Some years back I had a copy of Paul Simon’s Graceland I spent a Christmass with a 35 year old girlfriend, her 2 sons in a flat above a shop on Dykes Hall Road.

Tuesday I also bought a copy of Neil Young’s greatest hits, he got me through the darkness of Dundas Road, here is a short story I wrote at the time about the Dark Times of Dundas Road.

This year I shall not wake to a silent world in a small room that was a slum flat, but a three bed house and by 8am I shall be out about creeping in and out of some urban dereliction, not to ease any boredom, but for the joy of doing so.

It has become a custom to have beans on toast, this began at 99 Binstead Grove, 13 weeks of no power with just a gas cooker and no heating so all I had was a bed and a gas cooker, radio four and The Dead Kennedys, I spent December 25th lost in Wharncliffe Woods coming home to Beans and toast, shame not to keep a tradition going.

One is getting my head round having this freedom, this space, and looking forward to being on my own for the next 7 days. Laughing at the crass over consumption.

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